I am almost 100% certain that bathroom envy is a medical condition in the field of mental illness. It is a form of disease that I am going to call Illusions of Bathroom Grandeur or IBG for short. And while it may not technically exist on WebMd or over at the MayoClinic, let me confirm today that it exists.
Full disclosure before you continue reading… I have mild hypochondriac tendencies. In fact, I have Googled to find out if IBG actually exists. I know because I suffer from IBG. Breathe Rachel. Why share this? Letting the truth out is so liberating. I did not call this blog loopylocks for nothing.
Let me break down the basics with a general overview of the roots of this condition:
See? I’m not kidding. Thank you, Google. So if you apply this to a bathroom lover, the combination is potentially dangerous. By definition, this might actually make me a bathroom megalomaniac. In my head, when no one is in the house and the symptoms first appear, I think my bathroom looks completely different. Beware, what you are about to observe might be upsetting. Viewer discretion is advised.
Symptoms (with illustrations) include:
Editing your bathroom to remove all evidence that it is actually used by human beings, especially children. Pretend this stuff is dead to you. That means the shower curtain that covers your body when you shower (at night) so that your neighbours don’t see you in a whole new way, toothpaste and toothbrushes, all shampoo and soap, toys, jugs, rags to clean the tub. And by all means remember the trash can that thankfully has a lid so any guests in your house that use your washroom do not scream and head for the front door (you’re welcome).
Cleaning your bathroom so that your camera lens will not be able to identify any signs of dust, hair on the floor, toothpaste in the sink, watermarks on the tiles or general nastiness that might not be magazine worthy. No illustration necessary.
Curating your bathroom so that the look and feel emulate the illusion of grandeur. This is achieved by what the best designers out there will tell you: Shop Your Home. This involves scouring your house to add things that do not normally reside in your bathroom – candles, cactus, interesting pottery, clean towels…
Manipulative behaviour in the form of using photo editing software (e.g. iPhoto) filters to enhance, rotate and adjust images.
A word of caution. In extreme cases of IBG, hallucinations may or may not occur. These may or may not include the illusion that the scent of lavender is in the air, a glass of wine is perched on the wooden bench, a book, bubbles in the water, dim lighting and while we are at it, Superman is present. If this happens, get out of the house immediately. I highly recommend the gym. That is where I am heading as soon as this gets posted.
Is IBG contagious? As this illness is relatively new, it is not always easy to diagnose. Likely needs further scientific study. But if you catch yourself doing one or more of the following behaviours, please contact a health professional:
You assume the role of lead designer and make your significant other demolish, build, tile, grout, plank and paint your bathroom with minimal assistance so that it no longer looks like how it did when you bought the house before.
Mindless hours spent on Pinterest creating boards and pinning images that inspire, spark creativity and stimulate the feeling of envy and desire.
Hoarding magazines or clippings. This is sometimes referred to as house porn. Often begins in the grocery checkout aisle where you secretly pick a longer line so you can read a magazine and put it back without buying it because you are in denial.
You successfully persuade your significant other to create an account on Pinterest and Houzz so you can “share” ideas.
Treatment for Illusions of Bathroom Grandeur :
There is currently no known cure for IBG. However, if you happen to find a cure, please let me know. In the meantime, I will move on to another room in our nest and call my Superman when I need to be rescued.